Welcome to my Bachelor obsessed life! I must say, I feel like this season is off to a fiery start. Colton is scrumptious, the girls are Bach creme de la creme… Let’s dive right in!
CASSIE ♡ America’s Sweetheart. Although her name is not “Lauren,” I do not need to read any spoilers to know that there’s 100% chance that she will make it to the finale. The kind, quiet, ESL teacher in the floral sundresses who looks a like a blonde mermaid washed ashore… Game over. The others don’t stand a chance! Her & Colton will have beautiful vanilla missionary for the next 2.5 years. Then, he will come out of the closet. Kidding… 🙂 But probable. Who’s with me? & Who else rolled on the floor laughing when that guy said to C on the camp date, “Colton, this may come as a shock to you, but I’m gay. I’d highly recommend that you look into it.” Chris Harrison, what are you foreshadowing? In all honesty, I don’t really care about his sexual preference as long as they keep the showering + topless workout scenes coming. Truly living for those.
HANNAH G. ♡ The Influencer. Love the sass. Love the style. Didn’t love her fraudulent pity party on the group date, where her “First” story was about how when Colton gave her the first impression rose, that was the FIRST time she’s ever felt special and noticed by a man…GTFOH Miss Perfectly Curated 200K Followers… NOT buyin’ it! She seems like a really cool, down to earth girl, and doesn’t need a sub-par sob story to warrant a crisp 40% of Colton’s attention. I feel deep in my loins that SHE will be the next Bachelorette. After-all, a blondie is next in line. I just hope that a fun, quirky personality unfolds as the weeks go on– if my next Bachelorette is Becca adjacent with the personality of a cardboard box, I’m suing.
CAELYNN ♡ Miss SC. “She’s mad that I was first runner-up at Miss USA, she got really upset that she didn’t even place…” LMAO, no shade baby! Honestly, I think that Caelynn is the one who will prevail in the pageant girl cat fight that is certain to unfold next week. She seems cool as a cucumber, and although she said herself that she finds Hannah B. to be her incredibly phony ex-BFF, I highly doubt that she will bring any of it up to Colton. She knows better than that! I also like that although she’s a super glam goddess, she’s really toned it down and has more of a “Girl Next Door” aesthetic to ward off thoughts of Colton thinking she’s too high-maintenance. Nice touch, maybe I should take a line out of her book. Competition runs in this girl’s blood, but I think that the outcome will be just like when she took the stage at Miss USA… She will place high, but not take home the grand prize.
HANNAH B. ♡ Miss Alabama. I. Have. NEVER… CRINGED MORE… Than that awkward hot tub “birthday” date. I feel like it was the first time I really realized how insanely uncomfortable it must be to have a crew of camera people // producers standing right in front of you & listening to your every word when you’re supposed to be on an intimate date. That being said, of all people, it’s kind of odd that the one who’s so used to being in the spotlight was the one who cracked under pressure. At first, I thought that her ultra bubbly, happy go lucky demeanor was endearing, now I feel like it’s a facade– some “perfect girl” act that she’s trying to keep up, but clearly isn’t very good at it. She will throw Caelynn under the bus to C, a brawl a la David & Jordan last season will ensue ((Hannie being the annoying lil twerp David in this scenario)) and she will eventually be sent home on a 2 on 1. It’s a tale as old as time.
BRI ♡ Victoria’s Secret Model Romee’s Identical Twin. I don’t have much to say about her, except for that every moment she has screen time, I just gush to Hayley, “Oh my god, she’s sooooooooo gorgeous!” Her supermodel looks will take her to the Top 10. Excited to see if she has the personality to match. If so, I’m swan diving off the nearest cliff because that’s truly just unfair.
DEMI ♡ Token nut job who is intentionally trying to become the villain, because… “Nice girls rarely make BACHELOR history!” It’s like she wants to create a career rivaling Corinne’s, who, YEARS after her season is still somewhat relevant // a name that people remember, boasting nearly 1M Insta followers. Not bad! I see the cunning strategy. She doesn’t care about appearing psychotic, she’s just excited for the attention & will do ANYTHING for the spotlight– regardless if the lighting is terrible or not! Love a bitch who makes for good tv. Demi, drunk, playing with the tassles on her dress & cackling to herself like a loony bin patient is my entire vibe & aesthetic. As well as her antagonizing Crazy Tracey, who was tucked away hiding in her room crying after DEMI gave Colton THE WORST LEAST SEXUAL MASSAGE OF ALL TIME in a full-length bath robe OVER her dress… If you’re going to be a hoe, at least do it right. Demi, with a straight face to her arch-nemesis crying over her: “Honestly, you’re one of the most amazing women I’ve ever met. Keep being you” *Insert the meme of someone consoling their friend by patting a broom on their back “There there”* I think this psycho will go down in Bach Nation history.
HEATHER ♡ Never Been Kissed. * Takes Deep Breath * ….You’re weird. You were hoping Colton would kiss you, right after you revealed that to him? Sister, he is Mr. Respectful, and now you’re going to get nothing more than an ass-out hug with a pat on the back in hopes of him not crossing the line. While I find C to be a TOP SHELF SPECIMEN, his on-air kissing skills SCREAM “VIRGIN”…. AT THE TOP OF HIS LUNGS. So maybe you’re better off with him not being your first, anyways.
ELYSE ♡ “Cougar Town”. I can hardly write that without wanting to hurl, as she is only 3 years my senior. Just painting the picture for y’all. I like this chick. Colton likes her, too. She DGAAAAFFFFFs, because as a fellow Scottsdale native– this is not the first time she’s dated a man who’s also dating 25 other women. She’s sittin’ back, sippin’ her wine, and C-H-I-L-L-I-N. “There is no advantage to being an older woman here,” -Demi. Honey, I beg to differ. My sanity + insecurity level in my early twenties VS. now in my late twenties is night and day. Don’t believe me, just watch as these ultra young girls crumble with melt down after bikini clad melt down when C so much as looks at another girl under the wrong pretenses.
TAYSHIA ♡ Soul Cycle, divorcee. I knew neither of these fun facts until I looked up the roster to remember what this adorable bundle of fun’s name was! One thing you should know about me: I have sipped the Soul Cycle punch. I am OBSESSED with Soul Cycle… in my mind. Because, PLOT TWIST!!! I’ve never been to one cycling class in my entire life hahahaha. HOWEVER! I find people who attend such classes to be so upper echelon. In fact, when life takes me back to California, I will only do it if I live STEPS from Soul Cycle. You think I’m kidding… Anyways, I think Tayshia is so beautiful & has such a sparkling personality. I also see the glimmer in Colton’s eye every time he lays eyes on her. Excited to find out the scoop about the divorce. Probs just too young, she doesn’t look a day over 25.
CATHERINE ♡ Ballsy Catherine was so tame this epi. The mic drop was sub-par villain material. Has she lost her competitive edge, so soon? Don’t give up just yet, sister. She’s going to have to amp the crazy up at least 7 notches if she wants more air time. Does her DJ career really fund her Revolve // GLAM addiction? I like her style, it’s too soon to say, but she might be in the running for Best Dressed if she can keep herself around for a few more weeks. A member of Basic Repellent blessed us with insider BFF information, stating that the producers were egging Catherine on to go interrupt everyone. Like, DUH! Producers want crazy, we want good tv, and the girls…? Well, they just want to get drunk and begin the Instagram Influencer career of their dreams.
& FINALLY, CAN WE JUST HAVE A MOMENT OF SILENCE FOR…
CRAZY TRACY ♡ One word: Unstable. Thanks for the laughs, T. Bon voyage. Safe travels back to the vintage Melrose boutique you crawled out of.
So hyped on this season! Meet me on BASIC REPELLENT to continue the conversation with me & my 2,000 BFF’s!!!!!