Bachelorette Top 10

Bachelor SuperFan EG here– absolutely zero shame in my game! Let me just start by saying I am LIVING for this season. Mondays have quickly become one of my favorite days of the week again. As tradition goes, I race to my bestie Hayley’s house at 7:30 on the dot with a kombucha in hand {back on my wine-free weekday kick, finding more success this time around!} and then we dive right in to our guiltiest pleasure: Bachelor Nation. Lets just get right into it! First of all, you would think that ABC would end Becca’s public humiliation with her getting blind-sidedly broken up with on national television, but no… They are keeping it goin’ with the hands down WORST wardrobe of sparkles, sequins, terribly unflattering frocks + statement necklaces. And WHY the dark blue eye shadow?! What in the actual f*#k? She is so naturally pretty, and you can’t even see her beautiful blue eyes behind all that cheesy makeup. But in all honesty, who IS Becca besides the girl who got dumped by Arie? {My encounter with that knucklehead can be found HERE} She doesn’t seem to have a back story, job, life back home, personality, or really anything besides a…. ummm…. dumb tagline for that matter. She may be cool chick, but I would never know that considering her personality is never showcased and I never even noticed her last season! I miss the quality Bachelorettes: JoJo, Kaitlyn & Andi. Absolute stunners with big, fun, sassy personalities + a general understanding of men. Although Becca is NICE and cute, she lacks even a hint of edge and just isn’t my type of girl. She did, however, get the best batch of men that I have seen in a MINUTE! Without further adieu, my thoughts on this season’s top 10 players…

GARRETT ★ It’s totally obvious that Garrett and Becca are the perfect match. They’re both extremely nice and as basic as it gets. But did you see peep his wedding video yet?! The sensation that will overcome you while watching this footage can best be described in two words: cringe sweats. {Term coined by The Bitch Bible + ever so accurate} HOW can a marriage last only two months and the divorce wasn’t due to cheating? I’ve had pedicures last longer than that {Shoutout to my nail lady, Daisy} Nonetheless, I guess ish happens when you get married too young. Can’t you just see it now? G + B living happily ever after in a corn field somewhere? No shade. They’re just sweet simple folks and I think it would be in her best interest to choose him!fullsizeoutput_30dc.jpeg
BLAKE ★ Awwwwww. Blakeyyyyy. This is one cute kid. As in child. Get this boy his baba and binky. Do you guys know what it’s like to date a 27 year old boy? The amount of care it takes to change their diaper and hold their hand while crossing the street? Blake is painfully adorable and will for sure be the second to last one standing, devastatingly broken-hearted at the end of all of this. Tears WILL be shed people, tears will be shed.fullsizeoutput_30db-1586484955-1530148029229.jpeg

COLTON ★ K, he is clearly the biggest SNACK of the bunch. Hellloooooooo! But Colton 100% sat down with a strategist for weeks before getting on the show to figure out how he could steal America’s heart justtttt enough to become the next Bach. “I think you need to be a born-again virgin, Colt… that seems to work. You in?” HE HAS ZERO INTEREST IN THIS POOR GIRL! Please just notice the way he kisses her the way one may smooch their sweet grandmother. 0.05 second peck + pull away, I feel like I’m watching kindergarteners on the playground. The fact that he’s just not that into her + that thicc frame and baby blues = she is absolutely obsessed with him. Human nature, what’s wrong with us betches!? I predict that the preview of Becca sobbing in a tropical bungalow screaming, “He just did what Arie did to me” has something to do with Colton fleeing the scene when he just can’t keep up his act anymore. I get it, Tia’s country twang is irresistible. Hence why I keep Savannah around 😉 See ya in Paradise, big boy.

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CHRIS ★ Chris has no chill rn. Zip, zilch, nada. I kinda fell in love with him {in some angles} on his one-on-one last week, boy’s got swag. Not to mention he’s Alpha, big, juicy & delicious. All the things mama likes. But this epi he lost his marbles. THAT BEING SAID! I think that I too, would lose my mind in that situation. Come on! Did you see the show he put on in Vegas?! “Beautiful mamacitaaaaa” LMAO. Becca should’ve understood that he was just feeling insecure, and rightfully so. Where was the standard, “I’ve been in your shoes. I remember what it’s like to be in the house, just trust our connection and hang in there for me okay?” convo that every Bachelor(ette) has uttered each season since the beginning of time? I honestly can’t believe he’s the FIRST one to crack under pressure so far. Then again, maybe no one is trippin’ because it seems like none of them really even like her besides Garrett + Blake, tbh.
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JASON ★ Every time Jason has screen time {which is not often enough} I yell, “MY BOOOOOO!” Ugh. I. Love. Jason. CALL ME!!!!! Tall, tan & handsome, sparkling personality, loves his mama, well-educated, good job, Seattle is chic, will be turning 30, + I love a good slick back situation. He would 10/10 get my final rose. Love you boo.
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WILLS ★ Wills’ attitude to Chris this week post-tantrum at the after party when he sat down, took a sip of his drink (v Kermit the Frog “none of my biz” style) then looked Chris dead in the eyes *head nod, smirk emoji* “Sup?” is my entire vibe and aesthetic. I AM OBSESSED WITH HIM!!!!!! Serious question though: How did he sneak his weed pen into the mansion? This dude is permastoned and I am living for it. He is SO adorable, and all of the ladies of Los Angeles can 100% count on seeing him out at Warwick/Highlight Room/Avenue/Poppy/Hyde/Nightingale 7 nights a week in true post-Bach style.
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JORDAN ★ Becca’s dinner with Jordan is an exact replication of what it’s like to go on dates with dudes in LA. Talk talk talk talk talking alllllllll about themselves and how great they are, asking zero questions about you, and physically uttering the words “Ugh I wish I had my portfolio with me so I could show you my looks,” even when you have shown no interest in their self-obsession. Nonetheless, I found him highly entertaining. You will be missed, J.
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CONNOR ★ Based on Connor’s Instagram, he has been training to fight his way into Bachelor Nation since he made his debut out of the womb. Since a little boy, it seems as if he’s had the new Millennial American Dream: to become a personal trainer turned Male Influencer. Connor is the new Robbie. He C-U-T-E doe.
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LEO ★ Bellami needs to come out with a new line of hair extensions entitled, the Leo. I’m convinced he’s a blood relative of the producer Elan and that’s why he’s made it so far on the show. I do enjoy his presence, but he’s clearly just there to bro out. Respect.
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LINCOLN ★ No.

HONORABLE MENTION ★ Y’ALLLLLLLLLL. Has anyone else kept up with Becca’s ex who crashed her date with Arie {hence why the d-bag picked her, typical competitive man who just didn’t want anyone else to have her…} & witnessed his GLOW UP?!?! He’s now arguably hotter than anyone else on the cast. Lowkey picking up his Gram game with professional shots so he too, can be a Diff Eyewear/MVMT Watch hawker, clearly he was feeling a wee bit left out. I ain’t hatin! Just goes to show that there’s truly nothing better than a good breakup + jealousy issues to make you level tf UP baby!
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HONORABLE MENTION PT. II ★ Clay. Creamy, dreamy, sweet baby Clay. I thought for a min that maybe the whole exiting stage left with the career ending wrist injury was a set-up to make this teddy bear the next potential Bachelor. After all, we’ve never had a (H)African-American Bachelor, and he truly is the most lovable little cutie pie of the season. Much too sugary sweet for my personal taste, but could anyone else get behind this conspiracy theory?! I just can’t picture any of these remaining dudes becoming the next great Bachelor… Besides my boo boo Jason, of course… In which case SIGN ME UP! JK 😉 I’ve heard rumors about Peter becoming the next one in line. Girl, I was graced by his presence at the Hotel Erwin rooftop in Venice one picturesque November evening having sunset cocktails with a hyper granola type chick (I could smell the incense from a mile away) and he was one gorgeous specimen. I was 100% posing and hair flipping in hopes of him noticing me. But please… for the love of God… no BACHELOR should be an effing personal trainer. No offense, personal trainers. Until next week! XO

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XO
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1 Response
  • Angelene Capello
    July, 26, 2018

    You’re still so funny!!!! I need a bachelor recap weekly 🙂

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