A Modern Day Love Story: We both swiped right & lived happily ever after… {Until he liked too many slutty photos on Instagram} The End!

Okay, so it’s 2018 & all of us singles are buzzin’… and not just off tequila sodas. In my humble opinion, Bumble is where all of the hot eligible bachelors are, and where you will find the most high quality prospects in this day and age. The caveat? You HAVE to play the game, and you have to play it well. Think about it, we can all agree that dudes these days already have the attention span of a Golden Retriever puppy, right? Add into the mix that this little app makes them feel like they have a million ladies at their fingertips, liiining up to date them! {HA! As if, bro} They take 5 seconds {max} to judge whether or not you’re bangable & then swipe accordingly. Within another 5 seconds you’re already forgotten about & they’re onto the next profile… Until YOU decide he’s possssssibly worthy of a date {Notice the difference between guys vs girls here?! I’m just keepin’ it real, people!} If you both ❤ eachother, he gets a noti that you two “matched!” But then here’s where Bumble is effed up… You see, I totally understand the premise of Bumble wanting the ball to be in the lady’s court to avoid the whole ‘creepy dude pickup line thing’ from happening… However, it is just soooooo unnatural & masculine for a woman to have to “pickup” a man! The woman pursuing the man sets the totally wrong tone for the relationship from the beginning, which is why I feel like so many girls struggle with having success on this app. While I am no longer active, I became fascinated with it when I moved to LA. As a newly single girl with no friends, no potentials, and working in a 100% female {or gay man} dominated industry, I took to the infamous app to find cute guys to show me around my new city. But I began to get annoyed when I didn’t instantly “MATCH!” with the guys that I wanted to. So I tweaked my profile {more on that later} But then the conversations wouldn’t go beyond “Hey! How are you?” So I tweaked that… Anddddd…..? Game changer 🙂 Next, you have to charm them enough for them to ask you for your phone number + ask you on a proper date, which is easier said than done. I know dating is hard, sis… but we can’t give up, we can’t die alone! LOL. That’s why I’m here, as a seasoned pro, to walk you step-by-step on how to become a successful Bumblista {No Tinderellas here- WTF who am I?} from your first impression {profile + opening message} to your first date, and beyond! PS. If you’re reading this as a happily taken woman, count your blessings & hold on tight to your man… Because modern day dating is a bitch.

Step #1:
Decide what you’re looking for. The info you’re immediately provided with to determine whether or not a dude is dateable is his: age, occupation, education, and the photo he CHOSE to be his main profile pic. AKA if you’re looking to settle down in the foreseeable future, you should probably avoid swiping: Mack, 25, School of HardKnocks, Bartender *Cringe* Also, posting mirror pics should be banned. Immediate disqualification. If you’re looking for someone more established & refined, you’ll have better luck adjusting your age preference to older. I personally don’t think guys these days are even considering the idea of settling down until 35+. 40+ in big cities, tbh. If your preferences dip below 28, I must warn you that you are treading in the F*#k Boy Zone, proceed with caution. The reason why I don’t recommend dating guys this young is because 90% of them use Bumble as a hobby/entertainment. They have severe ADD and only want to go on one date {usually for casual drinks on a weeknight, deff not prime bro time, like the weekend} because they’re always looking for the “next best thing,” even if you’re perfect. These youngins are just addicted to the thrill + newness of first dates/trying to conquer strange. But listen, we’re all looking for different things in this little thing we call life! If you just want a casual fling with a 6-pack who’s inevitably going to break your heart 1.5 weeks later, that’s your prerogative 😉 But in all seriousness, decide what it is you’re looking for in a man & don’t settle for anything less. Your time is too precious to waste on an “ehhhh, maybe…?” Last but not least, distance! You have control of the proximity in which you can view potentials. Here in LA, anything over 7 miles is long distance and an automatic deal breaker for me 😉 Good rule of thumb, if it will take you over 20 mins to get there in an Uber for a drunken booty call, it’s not worth it {JK, none of us would ever do that, ladies like us don’t “deliver!”}

Step #2:
Optimize your profile. But not TOO optimized! Post photos that actually look like you. Don’t post your biggest Instagram banger if you know that it was secretly nipped + tucked, filtered, and FaceTune’d into a totally inrecognizable {albeit gorgeous} version of yourself. While the most painful label you could’ve been slapped with back in 2008 was “whore,” it has been replaced with… “catfish.” Post photos of you SMILING! Men are 100x more attracted to happiness and sunny dispositions than they are the pouty model look. DO NOT POST kissy faces or SnapChat filters, and limit yourself to only one self portrait {if it’s superrrrr exceptional} Make your prettiest, happiest looking photo your default, trust me on this. If you’ve been “runnin on da treadmill n only eatin salad!”-Drake, and have been working hard on your summer bod, I encourage posting one classy full-bod/bikini shot & showing it off! No shame in that, these are visual creatures, after all. Your swipability will easily go up 25% with a {HEAVY ON THE CLASSY!!!!!!} bikini pic, all the more reason to hit the Sweat app! Make sure that your job + school are synched with your Facebook that is linked. Those are great conversation starters for shy types, or maybe you share alma maters! And finally, your “About Me” I think you should keep this short and sweet, maybe a few words outlining your interests + hobbies. Mine was just a few self-describing emojis and my Insta handle. Mysterious & free publicity… Otherwise known as… basic white girl! There is a special place in Hell for people who write things like “Swipe left if you’re under 6 feet” or anything like that. Like…… no. This is not a place to disclose your dislikes, political views, 7 cats or anything negative for that matter. Keep it cute, keep it sweet, keep ‘em swipin’ right.

Step #3:
The MATCH! OMG! OMG! OMG! The hottie you crossed your fingers for + started planning your wedding on Pinterest with swiped you! But calm down, sis- this is a numbers game. Award winning abs and a killer smile doesn’t always equate to a good personality + date invite. Which is why I recommend the following strategy: You need to stand out in a sea of “hey”s and smirk face emojs. You also need to find out quickly what type of guy he is. You need to get this show on the road. So my secret weapon and opening line is… “What’s your favorite restaurant in {insert your city here}?!” Ground breaking, right? LOL. But I’m telling you, 100% response rate & it sets you up for major success. AND THEY LOVE IT!!! Men are simple creatures. They like food, sports, and… well, you know the rest. And YOU know what type of dining establishments you like to hangout at in your area. Do your aesthetics + taste buds match up? It’s the ultimate conversation starter. And if he’s unenthusiastic, or says like… some boo boo restaurant, just hit him with an unmatch. Maj Key = the “?!” at the end. Boys love bubbly, but on the contrary, girls who go HAM with the exclamations and emojis sends immediate “cute but psycho” vibes. That one little exclamation point question mark combo is the perfect touch to let them know that you’re interested & not going to reject them or be mean to them like so many girls do. Remember, the book “Why Men Love Bitches” is fabulous, but it doesn’t mean that you should ever act like a LITERAL bitch! Now that the convo has been initiated, flirt your little butt off. Be cutesy. Don’t respond RIGHT away, but respond within a half hour if you can. Throw in a winky face here and there. These are all clues that will tell him that you’re interested in meeting + that he should ask you out on a date. DO NOT ASK HIM FOR HIS PHONE NUMBER!!!! DO NOT GIVE HIM YOURS UNSOLICITED!!!! DO NOT ASK HIM TO HANGOUT!!!!! Let HIM be a man. Seriously, whatever you do… let the guy pursue YOU. Even if you would give up your Grandmother’s vintage Chanel collection inheritance to go out with him because he appears to be the Ivy League, hard bodied, hilarious man of your dreams, DO NOT DO ANY OF THE AFOREMENTIONED THINGS!!!!! Also, don’t call him “hot” or “sexy” or make ANY sexual innuendos, are you kidding me?!?! This should totally go without saying, but acting like a lady is how you land a quality man. I suggest only accepting a proper date, like dinner & drinks, but I know a lot of guys these days are into just “coffee” or “a drink” to screen. Him saying “maybe you and your girls should meet me and my friends out this weekend” is not a date. Remember, you teach people how to treat you, and if you settle for ordering takeout & watching a movie at his house on the first date {EW!!!!!!} then you can probably count on him never taking you out in public for the duration of your time together. And that girl who acted like a lady and only accepted a proper date at a beautiful restaurant? You better believe he continues to treat her like the princess that she has taught him that she is.
SIDENOTE: When you get on texting terms, be smart about it. Don’t start playing 20 questions, save it for the date! Hopefully you’ve established your date to be within the next few days, and I think the best idea is to just wrap things up and say, “Looking forward to ______!” And then don’t really talk until the day of, just to confirm. It will let them fantasize about you & get excited, as opposed to you talking too much and him trying to think of every way he can bail.

Step #4:
THE DATE!!! So he asked you on a date like the gentleman that he is, and the time has come for you two to go out! But what should you wear??? How should you act??? Feminine & feminine. Men LOVE women. Men love women who LOOK like women. Men love women who ACT like women. I told you, they’re very simple creatures LOL! No but seriously. You should wear something super flattering and pretty. You know what looks good on you! A sexy top with skinny jeans & heels is the PERFECT first date outfit. Or if you have killer legs, wear a skirt or dress that’s a little more conservative on top. Don’t show all the goodies, pick one or the other! Now is not the time to dress trendy or edgy. Style your hair down and soft: straight or curled {think: blowout} & makeup soft and pretty. Wear a nude or pink lip, guys don’t understand bold lip colors. Put on a yummy lotion. Wear your signature perfume. LOOK PRETTY + SOFT & SMELL GOOD & you are halfway to date #2! LOL. Be yourself, for sure! But the ultra feminine, sweet, most polite version of yourself. Think: Marilyn Monroe. It sounds silly, but if you’re really looking to make an impression, it works. Be confident, charming & charismatic. SMILE! Speak softly. Maintain good posture + eye contact. Ask him what HE likes and suggest he orders for the two of you. Talk about the things you LOVE. Don’t talk about your job too much or about how independent you are {even if you are} it’s a turn-off to strong men {not men who want a 50/50 lifestyle or men who want to a “pick me” chick- controversial statement, but I’ll wear it ALL DAY!} Let him pick up the check if he offers, don’t fight him to pay or cause a scene just because you’re trying to be nice and equal, it makes men feel awkward and emasculated. The goal here is for him to become enchanted by you & the lady that you are… And if you do alllllllllllll of the things above… MAYBE he will ask you on a second date 🙂 So if you’re already active, fully DELETE your profile and start from scratch. And if you’re a newbie? Happy Swiping!



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