10 AM: Taking my first sip of the most delightful sugar-free vanilla coconut milk latte and breathing in the fresh sea air with my toes in the sand in Newport Beach. Despite singlehandedly drinking an entire bottle of Pinot G last night, I’m feeling surprisingly good, inspired, and ready to conquer the day! As my friend and I walked down to where the waves kiss the sand in hopes of getting the perfect coffee + ocean boomerang, something caught our eye over to the right. Two giant men in cargo shorts and white tee shirts were full-on wrestling in the water. “They’re construction workers on their lunch break… this is pretty gangster,” said my friend. I laughed… Then realized that sure enough there were 20 men in hard hats cheering for them on the shore! A Nacho Libre type wrestling situation going down at 10 am… The day was off to a good start.

12 PM: Cruised back to WeHo in my Mini Coop in record time. Skrrrrt skrrrrrrt!

1 PM: Trader Joe’s. A little research & development, a little grocery shopping. Got lost in working on my computer for a few hours.

4 PM: After my walk on the beach this morning, I realized that I was about a month overdue for a pedi: these toes aint loyal. On the 2 block drive over to Happy Nail (just one) I noticed that I was hit with a certain unfollow on the Gram. Ahhhhh. The true nail in the coffin, a real “IDFWY” type of statement. The truth is, I knew it was coming… but it still stung. I got my nails painted black to reflect the current state of my little heart. Jade & I were sitting a few chairs away from each other so I decided to prank her and comment on all of her pictures on a fake Instagram account, this time “happynail101” ‘U gorges girl keep up the good work u beutiful angel’ and watched her reaction, which was of utter horror as she wondered if it was the man at the front desk pervin’ out on her. Too easy.

7 PM: Thursday night is ladies night in our household {in addition to every other night ;)} And after a long day of doing the bare minimum, we decided that we deserved to go out for “one drink.” We glammed, blasted out a few Snapchat selfies {heart filter, always}, and slid into our Stuart Weitzman thigh highs. *Cue Shania Twain: “lets go girls….*

10:30 PM: En route to Delilah.

11 PM: It’s my first time at Delilah and it is nothing short of chic. It’s packed wall to wall with my stylish LA peers, there’s a lot of posing going on, too many leather jackets to count, and a definite air of conceit and judgement. Welcome to West Hollywood after dark. We order tequila sodas at $20 a pop, the price is bad for our budgets but good for our livers. I run into two different guys that I met on Bumble a few months ago. It’s the first time I’ve ever “run into” someone that I know at a restaurant, I’m finally feeling like a real resident! This is cool.

11:45 PM: It’s SO packed and our little feet are starting to hurt. We notice two ladies getting up from their seats at the bar and we bolt over to swoop them. While we pass them, my sweet baby Jade smiles and friendly as can be says, “Have a great night! We’re going to steal your seats!” But our bubbly Arizona girl demeanors are NOT appreciated here. The next thing you know, these two 6’7 40 year old platinum blonde women {could’ve been transgendered, not sure- beautiful nonetheless} get in Jade’s face full on Shaniqua head-bobbing style! Giiiiirrrrrlllll! Now, I am truly the nicest girl. I always have a smile on my face, I am polite, well-mannered, and I have most certainly never been in a bitch fight. But something came over me when I saw these ladies attacking my angel from heaven/bff/soul mate… My inner angry chihuahua came out, all 5 feet of me puffed up and I got in this giant woman’s face and reciprocated the ghetto trash that they were spewing. “What’s your f*%$king problem?!?!?! Don’t talk to her like that…. GO.” And pointed to the door. Jade’s jaw dropped to the floor and we died laughing at the possession that had just overcome me. PSA: Don’t mess with my Jade.

12:49 AM: We need a change of scenery & hop into an Uber around the corner to Poppy.

1:02 AM: Granted access at the toughest door in town.

1:07 AM: As we approach the stage, I wonder to myself, who are these fancy men in pink floral tops, twisty fupe hairstyles, and full diamond grills? At that moment, the entire club starts “whippin’ their wrists like a stir fry” A-HA! It’s Migos! We are being SHOVED left and right, packed like sardines when I realize that the DJ is a dude I partied with in Vegas for my dear girlfriend Molly’s 21st birthday party in Vegas… 6 years ago, holy shit I’m old! I’ve run into him several times over the years and wondered if he could find it in the kindness of his heart to let two ladies up there to have a touch more elbow room. The bouncer looks at me and says “Who do you know?” I say, “Eric!” He says “Who the f*k is that?” Rolls his eyes and walks away *Emoji smacking my own face* Groupie access denied.

1:16 AM: Chance The Rapper gets on the mic and starts performing “No Problem” which is appropriate given the pseudo brawl we just had back at Delilah. As we’re still scoping the scene for somewhere to stand where we won’t be sweated on by strangers, EJ Johnson, draped in a fabulous black Fendi mink with a sheer bodysuit underneath locks eyes with Jade. Our first weekend here, we met him in the bathroom at an afterparty where we sat on Carrera marble countertops and he told us everything we needed to know about how to make it in LA. His advice: do not be nice to people. He couldn’t have been more fab. Thinking he would remember that divine 4 AM chat, we smile at him hoping to get an ounce of recognition. Instead, he delicately grabs Jade by the shoulders and physically moves her out of his way. Amazing.

1:27 AM: We are sober and we are over this. Migos is back on & the intro to “Gang Gang” gets me in my feels, as it is an ultra romantic sweet sentimental song that reminds me of the crisp unfollow I endured earlier that day. Jade is aware of the tender sentiment that the melody holds, and says “Lets get out of here.”

2 AM: We put on our ugliest pajamas, whip up some late night quinoa bowls, and laugh about the evening. ZzzZzZzzzZZzzZz…

9 AM: Laugh some more about the evening over our morning cups of Joe {or as we call them, Josephs}

10 AM: I receive a call from a random number… curious, I answer. It’s my Botox place, they can squeeze me in for an appointment in an hour. I throw on my pineapple leggings, the nearest hoodie, grab my keys & race to my car. Who is the monster that this town has created?

10:15 AM: Cruising to The Valley, I browse the new music on Apple and play Logic’s new fuego album “Bobby Tarantino II” and blast it until my speakers are about to bust. As I drive down the windy roads backed up in the usual Hollywood traffic I can’t help but be SO grateful, as this crazy life is everything I once hoped, wished & prayed for. Just then, he says, “I live in LA so my life is amazing…” Yep.


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